Paranormal Activity

I’m thinking the only paranormal activity occurring is that people actually liked this movie and were scared by it.

Sorry, nice try guys, better luck next time.

I just got home from watching Paranormal Activity in the theater (which I’m told is the only way to see it).  Well I am happy to report that I did not throw up from motion sickness (yes for those of you not in the know, this is yet another in the line of hand held, “reality” movies) as the filmmakers were kind enough to have the camera sitting static during most scenes. 

I should also mention at this time that the fucking preview shows you all the best parts in the movie, so if you decide you want to go see this movie, don’t watch the trailer.  Actually, you know what, I recommend you watch the trailer, and save yourself the 11 dollars admission and the 90 minutes of your time wasted.  I’m going to come right out and say it, this movie is fucking tedious. 

So basically the premise of the movie is this chick is tormented by a malevolent spirit (spoiler) which we learn is a demon and not a ghost.  Her boyfriend of three years who she now lives with has recently discovered her little “problem” so he decides he’s going to try and catch it on film to see if it’s real or just neighborhood kids, or a stalker or something.

The movie is essentially just the couple arguing during the day (read: fucking boring and pointless), and then it cuts to footage of them sleeping and increasingly “paranormal” shit starts happening to them.  You know the usual shit like loud noises, doors moving, etc.  During those scenes they always have this low end hum to let you know that there is some evil shit afoot, which I think simultaneously hurts and helps the movie’s cause.  See, the low rumbling sound is reasonably effective to make the scene more eerie, but it makes the “scares” a lot more predictable.

I was a little surprised that I never really jumped during any of the cheap scare moments in this movie.  Not sure if the sound design didn’t have them loud enough or what.  It could also be that nothing really visceral happens; it’s always a banging sound from another room.  Yawn.

The ending to this movie (spoilers ahead), which I’m sure was intended to be terrifying just came off as cheesy.  Katie gets out of bed and stands there while the sheets slowly get pulled off of her boyfriend Micah.  Then she stands over top of him, does nothing then walks out of the room and starts screaming hysterically off camera.  Micah jumps out of bed runs out of the room, more screaming, then a loud thud, then nothing.  Suddenly Micah is thrown into the camera and his dead (we learn he was dead in the message at the end) body falls on the floor, the camera happens to fall perfectly so that it is pointing at Katie standing in the doorway with blood on her shirt.  Then she walks over to Micah’s body, gets on all fours, smells him, then looks up at the camera, crawls up to it, does this fucking lame snarl and slams her face in to the lens, blackness, cue aforementioned message about how Micah’s body was found the next day, but Katie was missing, end of movie.

All I could think of when it ended was: is that fucking it?  Is this what everyone is so excited about?  It was a very familiar feeling, oh I remember it was after sitting through 90 minutes of snotty noses, crying and long boring shots of the dark with people screaming about being lost and scared in the woods, in another similarly hyped (and similarly undeserving of the praise) movie by the name of The Blair Witch Project.

You know what I found more entertaining than the movie itself?  This guy (who I suspect is actually a bitch) named ZilverKinito. I was double checking the character’s names from the movie on IMDB and came across his posts where he was saying some hilarious shit about how the movie had scarred and disturbed his daughters’ minds and how he planned to avenge(?) them.

Check it out here:

Just in case his zealous posts get removed, here’s some of the more choice parts of it:

ZilverKinito: “It's so sexist. The way they make the woman seem 'weak' and 'naive' is just disgusting. Men need to learn to be more sensitive!
And the sexual scenes in this! As a father of three children, I took them to see this movie, expecting it to be fine. But a sexual reference was made, when he turned off the camera. That girl was walking around without a bra! What a bad example for kids. They shouldn't be showing overweight sluts like this in movies. Absolutely disgusting.”

fletchm1: “Haven't you got better things to do with your time, troll?”

ZilverKinito: “I am going to make sure my daughters scarred and disturbed minds are avenged, after this disgusting movie was revealed to their eyes. And it was a demon, or ghost. There were no trolls in this movie.”

knittingnoodle : “this movie is rated R - no one under 17. R means don't take your kids, for god's sake!! don't blame the movie for your bad choice as a parent. i haven't seen it yet but certainly wouldn't take kids to this just based on the ads and the buzz. duh.”

ZilverKinito: “In Canada it is 14a. They are 14, 15 and 16. I am not a bad parent. God will punish you for saying such things to me.”

alec-hussey : “If they are 14, 15, and 16 they already know about sex and probably have hard dick pounding them right now.”

Thanks ZilverKinito, you made my day you retard.

If you want to watch a good horror movie about a demon terrorizing a woman, watch Drag Me to Hell, skip this steaming pile of horseshit.