A Boy and His Dog

Now here’s a pretty cool post apocalyptic flick that I’d never heard of before.  It stars Don Johnson, who looks to be about 19 or 20 in this thing (made in 1975, so that puts him at 24 or 25 if imdb is correct about the birth date, so call his younger appearance movie magic I guess), as Vic, a scavenger who travels the Arizona wasteland with his companion, a sheepdog named Blood.  The two share a telepathic link and help each other out.  Vic brings in the food and in return Blood tracks down females for Vic to rape, all the while Blood constantly makes fun of Vic telepathically, and also teaches him about history which he seems to know a lot about. 

It makes Vic sound like a bad guy when I say he’s always on the lookout for another female to rape, which I suppose he is kind of a bad guy (call him an anti-hero say), but when you think about living in a post apocalyptic wasteland as a scavenger who’s only real friend is a telepathic dog, is there really much else to do?  Oh I guess there’s the “movies” they go see down at The Turf (I think that’s what they called it), which is basically just a rusty sheet metal shanty town with various car seats, etc set up in front of a shitty projector that seems to just show nothing but old terrible porn loops from the 50’s/60’s and that serves some (apparently) delicious burnt popcorn fresh of the dirt fire heated skillet.

Eventually Vic falls for this girl (see he might be a rapist, but he has a heart of gold underneath it all) that he and Blood nearly get killed over.  They’re set upon by a pack of 20 rovers who’re also looking for a little of the ol’ in-out action, and then chased by glowing green radioactive mutants called Screechers who you don’t get too see.  Vic ends up heading after her “down under” (not to Australia) and finds an underground society of strange Amish type people who all wear weird clown/mime makeup and constantly listen to this annoying PA system blathering on about recipes and town events and shit.

Vic figures things worked out pretty good for him when the Down Under Council tells him he’s been specially selected to impregnate 35 of their women. Apparently these Amish under dwellers have lost the ability to reproduce amongst themselves due to being underground so long.  However things don’t work out that great for him when he realizes he won’t be getting his dick wet, as they say in the movies, but will instead be getting it milked, as they say on the farm, via a milking machine. Also, this happens while the lucky recipients of the test tube of his man goo are married right in front of him! Anyone who’s gone for more than a couple rounds of horizontal mambo will vouch that it starts to become less like the best thing since sliced bread and more like that agonizing leg cramp you sometimes get in the morning… in your dick, by about round 3.  Yeah, you can really feel for the guy when you see they've married off like 5 chicks already, if you know what I mean.

I’m a total sucker for post apocalyptic movies, even the shitty ones, so you might say I'm a bit biased to the genre. I gotta say though that this one is not only a cool and well realized post apocalyptic movie, but it’s also so totally unlike any other movie I’ve seen (maybe you’ve seen other movies with telepathic dogs and Amish under dwellers painted like mimes, but I haven’t) that it just rules.  One detail I thought was really cool was how the scavengers were always digging to find stuff to scavenge.  The reason is that all of the buildings in the cities were buried under dirt/ash/whatever in the wake of the nuclear war, so there’s all these holes dug with the rooftops showing at the bottom of the holes, and then people live in them.  That or Screechers, who must be the few survivors from the war who were trapped underground and were hideously mutated by the radioactivity.  Cool idea you don’t see in other flicks.

Also Blood, Vic’s sheepdog companion, is priceless.  He’s constantly giving Vic a hard time, and the two characters have good “buddy” chemistry.  You feel bad for ol’ Blood when he gets hurt later in the movie, and not just because he’s a dog and everybody cares more about dogs being hurt/killed in movies than they do about people.

I should also mention that this movie probably has the best “bros before ho's” ending you will ever see in a movie, period.  I won’t ruin it though, but seriously I was laughing out loud for half of the credits when it played out.  Great times.

Highly recommended for people looking for a totally off the wall post apocalyptic movie starring a pre-Miami Vice Don Johnson, you know who you are.

See it!!