Remake Movies that Weren’t Good, Not Ones that are Already Good

It seems nowadays half of the movies hitting the theatre are remakes, reboots, or re-imaginings.  The problem is, most of them are not usually better than the original movie they are supposedly improving on, or are actually much worse.  Sure there are exceptions.  I definitely liked the new “re-booted” Batman films more than the previous set, and a hell of a lot more than the Alan West ones.  I actually prefer the new Hills Have Eyes to the original (mainly because they could actually make the mutants look like mutants instead of just dirty people wearing furs (except for Michael Berryman who played Pluto in the original who looks like a mutant without makeup so I guess he wins).   John Carpenter’s The Thing is a remake too and it’s WAY better than the original.  Which brings me to the point of this article.  If the original is already a great movie, why bother remaking it?  Why not remake the movies that sucked, but had potential to be good?

Allow me to use the following analogy.  Say you were to spend hours installing new flooring in a room in your house.   You work really hard and at the end it turns out perfect and looks great.  At the same time your retarded cousin installs the flooring in another room, and it turns out pretty shoddy, but he’s happy with it so you cut him slack and leave it (he’s retarded so you can’t be too critical).  Years pass, and flooring technology has advanced and you decide it might be time to upgrade.  So, do you rush out and tear out the flooring that is still perfectly fine, or do you replace the shit job done by your retarded cousin?   I’m sorry but there is only one correct answer to this question, and it is that you replace the shitty flooring first.

Studio execs are always saying shit like “well we want to build on a recognizable franchise”, or “bring a classic to a new audience that might not have seen the original”.  I tell you what; tell them to go see the fucking original then.  Just re-release that into theatres.  Wow I just saved you all a shit load of money, and spared all the fans of the original from seeing their beloved movies fucked up by a shitty remake. 

Seriously though, they should be going from the angle that people know the shitty old movies too, and advertise how much they plan to improve on the original in the remake.

Here’s a few examples of movies that aren’t so good that could be remade and become awesome movies:

 

CHUD
I gotta admit I do like this movie a lot, but really I think it’s because I like the idea so much that I forgive the fact that the movie really isn’t very good.  You see, I don’t think they had very much money, so instead of focusing on the mutants in the sewer, it wastes a lot of time with characters that you probably don’t care that much about.  Here’s what they could do though: keep the character development, maybe make the characters a little more interesting (except the soup kitchen guy he was bad ass) just beef up the run time to an epic 2.5 hrs and have at least a solid hour and a half of CHUD action at the end.  What I’d like is if they kept very faithful to the look of the original CHUDs just make it so each one is sorta deformed in its own original way (so it seems more like they each mutated from different people).  Add in a scene where it shows the sewer bums mutating into the CHUDs, and of course a shit load more flesh eating, and we got a winner here folks. 

What they absolutely must not do is resort to making all of the CHUDs out of CG like they did for I Am Legend.  That movie would have been a lot better had they just put makeup on actors.   The CHUDs have to be done with prosthetic makeup and/or puppets.  The other thing I wouldn’t want them to do would be to change the story line.  I liked how in the original CHUD it ends up not even standing for Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers, and that they were an accident as a result of dumping the radioactive waste in the sewer instead of it being that the government is creating bio-weapons and they live in the sewer which is just retarded.

I’m thinking this one could be a lot like the relationship between the original Hills Have Eyes and the remake.  The remake is a chance to do things they simply couldn’t afford in the original, but that they did want to do.  Get the same guys back who did the original to oversee it, and I think it could bring back the slimy mutant genre in a big way (I’m missing mutants in movies lately). 

I actually heard they were working on a remake of this, but that it was going to be called something different, and have an unrelated story.  But then I didn’t hear anything for a couple years so I’m thinking it was just an internet rumor or the project just got scrapped.

The remake would also afford a chance to make a sequel that wasn’t one of the absolute worst films ever made.  CHUD II: Bud the CHUD was FUCKING HORRIBLE.  Erase that movies existence with a sequel that’s actually good.  Have the CHUDs overrun the sewers, take over New York, branch into other cities, and it turns into an all out war to save humanity from the flesh eating mutants.  That would rule.

Alien vs. Predator and Alien vs. Predator Requiem

I know these just came out not that long ago, but I think every fan of both franchises agree that the stains left by these two abortions on celluloid need to be wiped clean by a solid epic Alien Vs Predator war movie.  Simple solution:  Hire James Cameron and give him free reign to do whatever he wants, no budgetary restrictions, and no stupid Hollywood execs trying to make the movie PG.  I’m sure with all of the comics out there an epic 3 hour movie could be created that would do these creatures justice.   We need a movie that will go down through the ages as the ultimate sci-fi action horror film of all time, and this should have been it.

Oh yeah, if you’re going to make a movie called Alien vs. Predator, it might be best to really focus on them instead of the romantic problems of a high school pizza boy.  It saddens me to think that it is actually necessary to point that out to the fucking morons who made movies like these.

Deathstalker

Remember in the 80’s when the barbarian genre saw a brief boom in popularity due to Conan the Barbarian?  If you do, then you remember the classic cover art for Deathstalker sitting on the shelf at your local video store with that awesome looking orgre on the front with the spiked mace and the ripped barbarian ready to do battle with it to save the chick the orgre was holding in his arms.  Then you watch it and the hero is a scrawn and the one ogre that is actually in the movie is pretty fucking lame (rubber mask on a regular dude).  The movie itself looked nowhere near as good as the painting. 

But all that could be changed now.  It has been far too long since a quality barbarian movie has been released.  In fact I believe the last barbarian movie of real quality that was released was Conan the Barbarian (Beastmaster and Barbarians are both pretty good because I’m a big fan of the genre, but they’re certainly no Conan), so the cinematic track record of the genre isn’t looking too hot.

We have all these juiced up wrestlers and UFC guys that could make awesome barbarians, and we have the special effects to really bring all of those crazy monsters to life.  We need a new awesome barbarian epic, and I think remaking Deathstalker is the way to do it.  I mean the name just rules, who doesn’t want to see a movie about barbarians called Deathstalker?  And if you put out a kick ass hard as fuck R-rated (and subsequent unrated DVD/Blu-Ray) movie with barbarians you just can’t go wrong.  You know why Scorpion King sucked hairy balls, it was PG.  You don’t make movies about barbarians and make them PG.  A barbarian movie without gratuitous bloody carnage and rape is not a barbarian movie.  It’s like making a pizza, but not putting tomato sauce or cheese on it.  Guess what, it’s not a pizza then.

Doom

Doom is one of the greatest video games of all time.  They could have made a fucking awesome movie out of it if they’d have just stayed true to the storyline of the game.  Instead, they decide to make some sort of cheap rip off Resident Evil movie, and sort of base it off of the third game.  The monsters in Doom are not mutants made by a virus; they’re demons from fucking hell.  The movie was already R-rated, so what’s the big deal with actually making it about demons? 

The way they should do it is to shoot the whole first half of the movie traditionally.  Explain the whole back-story about the teleporters and how they accidentally opened a dimensional gateway to hell.  Go into the back story about the main character a nameless space marine who has been punitively posted to Mars after assaulting his commanding officer, who ordered his unit to fire upon civilians. The Martian marine base acts as security for the Union Aerospace Corporation (UAC), a multi-planetary conglomerate, which is performing secret experiments with teleportation by creating gateways between the two moons of Mars, Phobos and Deimos. Phobos is considered by space marines to be the dullest assignment imaginable: "with no action for fifty million miles, your day consisted of suckin' dust and watchin' restricted flicks in the rec room." This all changes when the UAC experiments go horribly awry. Computer systems on Phobos malfunction, Deimos disappears entirely, and "something fragging evil" starts pouring out of the gateway, killing or possessing all UAC personnel. Responding to a frantic distress call from the overrun scientists, the Martian marine unit is quickly sent to Phobos to investigate, where the player character is left to guard the hangar with only a pistol while the rest of the group proceeds inside. Over the course of the next few hours, the marine hears assorted garbled radio messages, gunfire, and screams, followed by silence: "Seems your buddies are dead".

Then as soon as it gets to the point where he’s left alone listening to the screams of his squadron over the radio, and he picks up his gun and sets out, switch it to primarily first person view, and leave it that way the whole movie.  And no, not some shot on camcorder reality horror crap, shot on film, using steady cam so you can actually tell what is going on, you know, like in the game.

Do something that hasn’t really been done before, and fuck doing the “let’s rip off Aliens” method and having a squadron of walking clichés where you have to have the comic relief guy, the tough guy, the hero, the ball buster chick, etc.  That wasn’t what Doom was about.  Doom was about one man vs hell.  I want to see that.  No compromise, utterly fucking brutal. 

I want to see the berserk fist reducing zombified soldiers and fireball throwing imps into piles of bloody mush.  I want to hear amped up versions of all of the original sound effects from the game when the monsters die and their intestines slop out on to the floor (shit they use the Doom sound effects in so many movies already, might as well use them in the actual Doom movie).  I want to see dark hellish hallways with mutilated corpses skewered on stakes everywhere and satanic blood pentagrams smeared on the walls.  I want to see our hero running around the Tower of Babel, with the skies full of huge flames, blasting hundreds of mancubus into heaps of steaming gore and then facing down with the fucking Cyber Demon, rocket launcher arm and all.

OK, if you just read all that and don’t want to see a movie with those things, what is wrong with you?

Mortal Kombat

See my review for Riki-Oh to find out what this movie should have been.  With a mainstream movie like Ninja Assassin being as bloody as it is (although sadly too much CG) and doing pretty good in theatres there’s no reason a Mortal Kombat movie couldn’t do well, if not better.  In fact with all of the different games that have been released, there is a lot of actual story and mythology built up to work from to make a really amazing martial arts and gore epic.  Just please no CG blood.  Do it Riki-Oh style.

Rawhead Rex

Man, now this is a movie that is legendary in its utter crapulence, but the sad thing is that the short story it’s based off of is so bloody awesome.  This needs to be remade, BAD.  Midnight Meat Train was done some real justice on the screen, so hopefully this Book of Blood entry gets another crack.  I’ll probably review this one in the near future (because it is so terrible) so I’m not going to go into it too much here, but lets just say I’m sure Clive Barker wishes his name was not on the front of this movie.

I have a comic book version of the story that was quite faithful to the book.  If they took the look for the creature from that, added in anything that was cut from the book (I think the comic toned down a couple of sexually explicit elements), and made the movie 100% faithful to the book, this would be one of the best monster horror films ever made, period.

The Watcher

I read this book by Dean Koontz and immediately thought it would make such an awesome movie.  Really, I think this one would actually appeal to a pretty wide audience if it was made properly.  You have a romance, a super intelligent dog, government conspiracy, and a great monster.  Totally vicious, yet sympathetic in its own right. 

Then I watched the movie they made.  I’ll never get those 2 hours of my life back.  The movie is a travesty.  The story was butchered, the monster looked about as good as a slightly modified 20 dollar gorilla suite.  And this movie suffered from the absolute worst case of just smearing blood on people and pretending they’re wounded.  Guess what, you’re not fooling anyone.  If a brutal clawed beast slashes you apart, you see wounds.

To do the book justice, the movie cannot be any shorter than 2.5 to 3 hrs, but let’s face it, if you’ve read a Dean Koontz novel you will know that just like Michael Crichton, his books are practically written as screen plays, and are just begging to be made into a movie.  So don’t fucking change anything and it will be good.  The book was a New York Times bestseller, so I think people liked the story the way it was in the book.  Morons.

OK, so I think you get my point.  There’s a shit load of other movies (too many to list and describe here) that weren’t very good, but have potential to be awesome.  I wish the people running the studios were actually in it to make great movies instead of churning out tons of mediocre to awful crap to turn a quick buck.  If you’re not going to think of new ideas, at least make improvements where improvements need to be made.  If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

-Sweetooth0

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