Emo: A Fake Genre that Needs to Die (Along with its Fans)

If there is one genre of music that needs to just die already, it is this genre everyone is calling Emo.  For the longest time I was oblivious to its existence, but I kept hearing the term more and more.  Today people are calling everything from radio pop rock, to blistering hardcore punk, to electronic dance music Emo.  So just what the fuck is it?

Well after listening to a smattering of many of the bands that seem to be brandishing this title I can tell you what emo is.  It is whiny, depressing pop rock for sexually confused teenagers who have no identity so they just borrow all the lamest aspects of goth, straight edge hardcore, 80’s glam and mod culture.  Oh yeah, and apparently writing poetry about how sad you are and cutting yourself with razor blades is an acceptable thing to do in this culture, even if you are not a teenage girl with emotional problems.

If you’ve just read the last paragraph you are probably wondering why anyone would want to associate themselves with something as utterly lame as “emo”, yet strangely I see these “emo kids” on every street corner.  You’ll know them when you see them.  They’re the ones with the really bad haircuts died in the most clashing colors possible and you can’t tell which ones are girls and which ones are boys.  See below:


what is that? Is this a guy or girl, I really cannot tell.

Popular bands in this scene include the following acts:

Wow, that’s quite the list.  Every single one of these groups is pretty much the definition of weak.  I mean there's a band in there named Squirrel Bate. That sounds like something they'd call a twink in prison. If you listen to these bands I have a piece of advice for you.  In the immortal words of modern day prophet Chopper Reid: “harden the fuck up!”.

But how does one go about hardening the fuck up.  Being a man myself, I feel I have a higher level of expertise in the male method for hardening the fuck up, so I will go over the steps for how to do so if you are a male member of this “emo culture”.

Step 1: Admit you have a problem.  This is always an important step in any rehabilitation program.  If you can’t admit you have a problem with the fact that you are a cry-baby, sissy girly-man who wears his sister’s clothing and idolizes androgynous he/shes who sing songs crafted for 13 year old girls, you will never be able to recover.

Step 2: Make a change.  Get a pair of clippers, shave off your stupid hot pink and black died crooked “emo due” (or at the very least even it out properly and dye it one colour, probably black is best). Take all of your faggy poetry and shitty emo CD’s and put them in a trash can, pour lighter fluid into the can, throw in a lit match and watch it burn.  While you are watching it burn come to grips with the fact that you are a spoiled as fuck little bitch who lives in suburbia and gets everything they want just by whining like some fucking baby, and then realize this behavior needs to come to a crashing end, immediately.  You don’t have a reason to be sad, so just stop.  Depression isn’t a sickness, it’s horseshit made up by pharmaceutical companies to sell pills to people to make them into submissive sheep that will do whatever they are told.  Never get sad, get angry instead it’s way more fun.  Or realize how funny a lot of shit is, and just laugh about it.  Now is also a good time to take off your little sister’s jeans and put on some mens clothing.  You should be proud to be a man, it’s really awesome.

Step 3: Next go to your local record shop and pick up a copy of Slayer’s Reign in Blood.  This is a good CD to start with because of it will teach you that your CD player is not made to play weak ass emo crap, it is actually a Slayer Player, and should have nothing but Slayer or Slayer approved material placed into it.  Go home, put it on as loud as you can possibly stand, and bang your head the entire time the CD is playing whilst air-guitaring with wild abandon and also throwing up the goat horns periodically.  I realize that you may have shaved off all of your hair.  This is fine, because it is actually much harder to head bang fiercely with short hair; it will be good exercise to strengthen your scrawny neck so that if you do choose to grow long hair (optional of course) you can really bang like a real man.  These will be essential skills when you attend all local heavy metal shows in your area, because otherwise you will be labeled as a target for ass kicking.  When it’s over you will realize how lame it was to be a whiny bitch for this long, and how awesome it is to be a hard ass, Satan worshipping, metal maniac.  If you don’t feel this way, I recommend starting the CD over and continuing until you do.

Step 4:  Now that you have proven to yourself that you have what it takes to be hard, you need to go out and get yourself some booze.  This is to help flush any of the impurities of your candy ass, vegan life. You see, by drinking enough you will be forced to vomit, thereby flushing your system of impurites. Again the type of booze is your choice; however coolers are strictly prohibited as these are only made for women.  I am pretty sure a side effect of drinking coolers regularly is that your penis becomes a vagina.  Drink until you are laying face down in a pool of your own vomit.  If the Dayglo Abortions say that it’s cool to do this, it is.  Over time you will be able to handle more than two beers, and this will enable you to enter social situations with other men, and not be ridiculed for being a pussy who can’t handle his liquor.  Also, beer is loaded with calories, so it should put some meat on your bony ass frame. 

Step 5:  Cut ties with the old scene.  There is no quicker route to relapse than hanging out with the old crowd that got you into trouble in the first place.  You need to surround yourself with positive influences.  But how can you tell who is a positive influence and who is a negative one?  To help you out I’ve provided you with some visual references:



Here we have a bad influence. Notice the faggoth lip ring, and crooked black haircut, warning signs that this person is very likely under the misconception that making out with other guys doesn't necessarily make you gay, a bizarre idea apparently shared by many in this confusing scene.



Here we have local hero Savage Henry. As you can tell Mr Henry is never confused about anything, much less who to make out with. He's also here to tell you that the balaclava is a great way to impregnate women, and not have to take responsiblity for dumping a hot white load of rock and roll into her box. It's also useful if you're low on cash, and need to commit armed robbery so you can afford to go drinking. I mean check out the T-shirt in the picture above, and that alone should tell you that Savage Henry is speaking the gospel.



Here we have Davey Havok of AFI. Remember when AFI used to be a good Misfits worshipping punk band? I'm having a tough time remembering because appaently the band decided the best career path to take would be to now suck as badly as possible on everything from and including Sing the Sorrow, thus effectively white washing all of their previouse work. Seems Mr (Mrs?) Havok is also a vegan and a straight edge. if eating nothing that casts a shadow and never having a good time turns you into the thing above, I'll take heart disease and liver failure any day!



Now that's more like it. This is Shane McGowan, former frontman of the Pogues. Mr McGowan has been an alcoholic since he was 4 years old. He also has excellent oral hygiene. Mr McGowan can teach you a valuable life lesson: a day without drinking isn't a day worth living.



Hmm, wearing a zippered long sleeve shirt, halfway undone, with no under shirt on underneath is never an acceptable fashion choice. Also, having your hair in your eyes all the time isn't cool, it's just stupid.



This is Rufus. Hanging out with a man with as much class as Rufus will be a valuable learning experience. Rufus will show you that even when your nothing but a dirty, alcoholic, crack addicted bum with 3 teeth, you can make yourself somebody if you're provided enough free crack, I mean dedicated enough to following your dreams. When your good at something, like Rufus is at performing dangerous stunts and street fighting, you have to use your talents, not sit around moping about how hard life is because a girl you dated in the 9th grade for 3 days dumped you. Also note how Rufus' hair, while just as long as the bad influence above, is never in his eyes. He's smart enough to know that if you're perfomring stunts you need to be safe, and obscurring your vision is never a good idea.



Wearing eye liner if you are not a woman is never a good idea. Unless you're going to go full corpse paint in public, which is awesome, don't wear makeup. And don't couple the eyeliner with a hoody that is clearly too small. Doing this will make any hairy bears in the vacinity see you as an edible oil product filled pastry.



Here is a proper use of makeup. Also Vrangsinn (bass player from Carpathian Forest) has another valuable lesson to teach us. When you have a body worth showing off, then and only then is it acceptable to do so. Combining a retro "barbarian" look with a figure like that is going to bring you all the ladies, and tell the male competition that you are not a person with whom to fuck.



You'll pronbably remember this image from above (in fact I'm sure you were trying to forget it already). As much of a displeasure as it is, You must look at this picture again, and remember the valuable lesson that can be learned from it. If you cannot tell the sex of the person you are looking at, and they are not in drag, it is a surefire sign that this person is a bad influence.



And finally the man himself, Chopper Reid. You know right away from this picture that this is as surley and hard as one can get. When you can be stabbed 5 times in the abdomen, not flinch and then deliver a classic line like: "it's a bit early in the morning for kung fu isn't it Jimmy?" then you are officially HARD AS FUCKING NAILS.

You should now have a pretty good idea who is going to steer you down the right pathways in life, and you should know how to avoid those negative influences that will only drag you down.

Step 6:  As time passes, you will become strong enough that you may be able to interact with people in the emo culture without being infected by their disease.  You will not want to do this, because you will always feel an underlying urge to maim and kill them every time you look at them, but that is normal.  However it is important that you put out a good effort to help harden some of them up by showing them how to change their lives, and how positive it has been for you.  The best way to communicate this is to make contact with their face using your clenched fist carried at as high of velocity as your arm muscles can carry it. It is only by communication that we can put an end to this horrible affliction that plagues our youth.  Remember, do your part, and stay fucking HARD!!!