Bathroom Shenanigans

Everybody loves a good toilet joke, but at my workplace apparently jokes are simply not enough to satisfy.  Sadly it seems the only way for some of my coworkers to be happy in life is to actually live out their sick and demented bathroom fetishes while on the job, using a bathroom that about 300 other people will use that same day.  There is a very good reason that I use only the visitor washroom that is only accessible by managers during the nightshift when I work.  It’s cleaned at the start of the shift, and my ass is generally the only one that sits on it for the rest of the shift.

I mean I’ve seen some shit done in that bathroom that makes me seriously question the sanity of my coworkers.  The most horrible thing is, you don’t know who did it, because nobody ever fesses up to making a horrid mess in the bathroom, and especially not if they’re using their excrement to create artwork on the walls.  It’s like in The Thing where nobody trusts anyone because anyone could be the alien.  Sadly we don’t have any “hot poker dipped into blood” tests to figure out who thinks it’s a good idea to stand on the toilet seat and piss all over the floor and who just uses the urinal like a normal human being.

I mean sure we have our fare share of the usual public washroom abuse.  Un-flushed toilets full of shit, shit streaks left on the seat, piss left on toilet seats, flooded counters around the sinks, fucked up paper towel dispenser with the paper towel so caught up in the workings of the dispenser you wonder how the person managed it.  Things like that you just expect when that many people are using a bathroom.

But our bathroom violation gets taken to a whole new level.  I have seen people doing the most fucked up things imaginable in this bathroom.  We‘ve had people, on more than one occasion and in both the men’s and women’s bathrooms, use their shit and pieces of toilet paper to create “shit-mache” artwork on the toilet bowl and walls.  We’ve also had people decide to try their hand at finger painting on the walls using their own shit.  I’ve seen toilets filled almost to the brim with what looks like sand and water mixed.  I’ve seen plugged toilets with a forests worth of toilet paper in them that when plunged released an eruption of what appears to be thick crude oil.  Apparently at one point someone had explosive diarrhea and painted the toilet and wall behind it before they could get their ass on the bowl, and then they just leave it there for some poor soul to find when they go into the stall.

I have watched people come out of a stall, and I didn’t see any feet at the bottom of it before hand (possibly the toilet seat stander?), and then proceed to scrub their arms up to the shoulder as if they were going into surgery or something.  I mean how far up your ass did you put that arm?  Did you have to shove it all the way up to get that last nugget of shit right at the opening to your large intestine?  I’m all for washing your hands after you drop a deuce, but I don’t think flooding the whole counter, and then using half of the roll of paper towel is necessary or friendly to the environment.

We’ve got people who are so germophobic that they refuse to put the paper towel in the garbage after drying their hands because it would be too close to the “germs” on the rest of the paper towel in the can, so they just throw it on the floor.  We’ve got people who are so fucking fat that they haven’t seen their dicks in probably the last 20 years trying to use the urinal by heaving up their gut and just letting it go and hoping their piss hits the urinal. Instead it goes all over the floor, and probably the front of their pants too, although it’s obscured by their drape of flab once they lower their gut back to it’s normal position at their knees.

A friend of mine told me a story about how this one time he was in the bathroom taking a leak and this other guy who worked here came walking into the bathroom.  The guy, a grown man, stood at the urinal next to my friend (flagrantly violating the urinal code of conduct) dropped his drawers to the floor and started pissing, bare ass.  To top it all off, he then tries to strike up a conversation with my friend as if nothing is out of the ordinary.  The last time I saw someone pull that maneuver (minus the creepy talking at the urinal part) was when I was in elementary school and a kid in grade 2 did it because he didn’t know any better.  This is a gown man we’re talking about here.  Not surprisingly, my friend no longer works here.

Another friend of mine used to work as part of the custodial department when they used to hire internally for it.  He told me stories about shit he’d find in the women’s washroom that was fucking disturbing.  We’re talking bloody used tampons left on toilet seats, massively plugged toilets because someone took a monster shit and used half of the roll of toilet paper to wipe with, that sort of thing.  Not surprisingly he no longer works here, and they have to hire custodians externally now and they’re all landed immigrants who can barely speak English so they can’t get a job working anywhere else. 

There was even an incident where a female employee came out of the bathroom and complained to her coworkers that someone was in one of the stalls finger banging during work time. She could hear squishing sounds and panting, and she could see the person’s one leg twitching where the stall partition ends above the floor. 

While this next incident didn’t occur in the bathroom at work, it gives insight into the type of people using the bathrooms:  There was a lady who worked here that in a moment of sheer brilliance decided to reveal to her coworkers that she had shit her pants while walking home the previous night, and then had left her shitty underwear in her kitchen sink and her fiancée came home and found them soaking in the sink.  OK, first of all, if you shit yourself, throw the fucking underwear away.  Secondly, don’t tell anyone about it, especially if you are a woman and ever want a man to touch you again.  The frightening thing is, she is now married, and I think it’s the same dude.  I guess love conquers all.  Either that or it says a lot of things about the guy who married her, and they aren’t good things.

One night I got an email from my brother, and site contributor, Señor Reaper.  This is the email he sent me: “I just went to the washroom (not the funny part) after getting out of the stall I was greeted by John Doe shaving in the upstairs washroom.  Like full on razor and shaving cream shaving, not like a quick automatic razor, but a full on shave.  The part that makes this really odd is that he was doing this at 11:30 at night.  From personal experience 11:30 PM is not the magic hour to go for a shave.  Just thought it was rather humorous”.  Who the hell brings all of their shaving gear to work with them?  I can understand at an airport, but this isn’t working abroad.

We actually have signs in our bathroom above the sinks that have instructions for how to wash you hands and signs above the toilets that say “Do Not Flush Paper Towel”.  You know I’d say the signs are an insult to the intelligence of the average 10 year old, but apparently we have people working at this company who really do need this level of instruction in their lives; otherwise they forget simple facts like having to turn on the tap to wash your hands and possibly that they need to breathe oxygen in order to live..

Which brings me back to the person standing on the toilet and pissing on the floor; the other managers and I received multiple complaints from staff who have walked into a stall to be greeted by a huge puddle of piss on the floor, and there are shoe prints on the toilet seat.  I had to hold a line meeting to remind the people on my team to practice proper bathroom etiquette, and tell them that they could fall and hurt themselves standing on the toilet and it would be difficult for me to explain to their family how the broke their neck when they fell.  These are grown adults I am having to remind to sit on a toilet and piss into the bowl rather than stand on the seat and piss on the floor. 

Shit like this makes me lose all hope in humanity.

redefining the term "violated"